Written by Alexis Ray, LMFT

You know when you walk into an interview and the interviewer leads with, “So tell me a little bit
about yourself!” Don’t you just hate that? No matter how many times I get asked that question I
seem to find myself stumbling. “Well, I am a high school and college graduate, I am a wife, a
mother, a dog owner, an avid hiker. What else is there to know?!” After spouting off my list the
brief thought pops into my mind, “Is that actually who I am? I am so much more than that!“ It’s
easy enough for us to name off our accomplishments, roles in life and our interests. We can list
them off on a piece of paper and call it our whole identity. And why would we do anything
differently? We worked hard to accomplish those things. There is pride in being a mother, father,
spouse, and a worker. Our lives are so busy! But when you sit back and think about it, don’t you
feel like you are so much more?


I want you to take a second to think back to the past week. In the past seven days, how much
time have you spent thinking about yourself? How many mornings, evenings, hours, or maybe
even minutes have you spent doing something for you. As you think about this question, what
do you notice about how you feel regarding the answer? Do you feel happy that you have spent
absolutely no time thinking about yourself, worried that you are focusing more on yourself than
others? Get curious for a moment and just think about what went on for you. I ask this question,
not to shed shame or judgment on how much time you did, or didn’t spend thinking about
yourself or others; but to offer insight into how easy it can be to lose sight of something
really, really important: ourselves.

When we were born, we were not taught how to be “us” or to be authentic; we simply were. There was no masking, just a being entirely in touch with who we were. As we get older, our self-awareness develops along with our desires and narrative of who we want to be . Love seems to become conditional, we care more about what society thinks of us than what we think of ourselves, we strive to reach our full potential and ironically, can often get lost in the process. Even though it seems like we are succeeding at all of the things we wanted, we can feel out of rhythm with ourselves and what we truly want. 

You might now be asking yourself, “So what? Why does that matter?” Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist and therapist, talks about when we are able to truly connect to ourselves in the most authentic and non judgmental way, we are able to not only survive in life, but to THRIVE. Knowing who we are allows us to reach our ultimate potential and ultimate happiness. In the Disney Movie Soul, it is said, “Don’t lose yourself in what you think your purpose is, simply live. Breath life entirely. Don’t get caught up in your expectations of what your life would be. Find joy in the smallest things. Purposes are only ways to cope with life instead of living fully.” 

Today we are going to talk about how we can accomplish that feeling talked about in “Soul”. To rediscover your rhythm and let go of what you ‘think’ life should be and truly look at your life to know if you are living authentically, or you are perhaps lost in what your expectations for life are. Then, by allowing yourself to grieve and rediscover your rhythm, you can really feel that you are living fully.

Grieving the loss 

Recognizing that we have “lost ourselves” can feel scary and a disappointing realization. In my second therapy job after graduate school, I worked at a postpartum therapy clinic. I absolutely loved it. There was something really special about working with new moms. It’s such a tender time. It’s beautiful and blissful and confusing and HARD. 

A theme that I quickly caught on to while working with these postpartum women, was how easy it was for them to focus all of their energy on this sweet little baby, and completely forget about themselves. They would come into therapy confused as to why they weren’t feeling happy. Afterall, they were doing exactly what they wanted to be doing. Each case was different and there were obviously a lot of different aspects at play. However, there was almost always one common thread that we would discuss and that was feeling a loss of identity and a loss of selves.

When I think about loss, I think about my loved ones. My Grandpa passing away, my dog dying,
losing a job, friendships ending. Those things all deserve time, space and grieving by society’s
standards. Grief is such an important step of moving forward and finding closure. It is essential
in the healing process and finding yourself again.

Brene Brown talks about the importance of grieving in her book, “The Power of Vulnerability”.
She introduces the concept of the “Grief Armor.” Dr. Brown describes it as a type of emotional
shield that we put on when working through the pain of loss or heart break. We believe this
“shield will protect us from more hurt. We will feel better if we numb out, ignore the pain, and
distract ourselves”. In the book, we learn that while this may give some temporary relief, it
actually prevents us from truly healing. Dr. Brown shares how wearing the suit of emotional
armor makes us feel invulnerable, delaying the healing process and causing us to stall our
ability to move forward. My favorite part of this chapter is when we are invited to try and
recognize when we are putting on the armor or suppress our feelings. Instead, embrace the
vulnerability and authentically grieve to allow ourselves the chance to grow.


Recognizing a loss of the self is sad. Let yourself be sad. Don’t ignore it, lean in and give
yourself space to mourn the person you once were and where they have gone. Shakespare
once said, “Give the sorrow words: the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart
and bids it break.“ Allow yourself the words to heal your loss so you can find healing and self
again.

Rediscover your rhythm


I was talking to a client last week and she brought up the movie “Runaway Bride”. If you aren’t
familiar with the movie go watch it now; it’s a fabulous chick-flick. The main character has been
engaged multiple times, and always runs away the day of the wedding, leaving her betrothed at
the altar. A reporter comes to do a story about this “serial bride” and helps her to understand
that part of the reason she is leaving all of these weddings is because she doesn’t really know
who she is, she is just adopting her life to be the same as her significant others. The reporter
highlights the fact that she lacks connection with herself so much to the point that she doesn’t
even know how she likes her eggs. In every relationship she has been in, she has her eggs the
same as her fiance. My favorite part of the movie is when the main character sets out to try
eggs every way possible; eggs benedict, scrambled, egg whites, omelets, etc. She does this in an effort to understand who she really is. She finally figures out how SHE (not her various
fiances) likes her eggs best!


When I work with clients to “rediscover their rhythm”, I usually invite them to start with what they
know about themselves. Think back to the interviewer’s question, “Tell us about yourself. Or
What are your hobbies? Roles? Gifts?” We can usually answer these questions easily enough.
These things make up who we are and are something we are all born with. As Jen Sincero (life
coach and author) so eloquently says it, “Everybody arrives on this planet with unique desires,
gifts, and talents and as you journey through your life, your job is to discover what yours are, to
nurture them and to bloom into the most authentic, gleeful, badassiest version of yourself.”

After we get the basics out in the open, we are able to take a look at how we feel about those different aspects of our lives. As we dive deeper, we start to identify a huge part of what really makes us tick: our values. When we are able to identify our values, we have a greater understanding of if we are living authentically. Values are things that are most important to us. They can guide literally every decision we make. Value education over finances? Get your PHD. Value people over success at work? Who cares if you get the promotion, you get to hang out with your fam everyday? Value stability over travel? Relax and stay at home with a cozy blanket and your favorite drink. 

It is SO important for us to know what makes us tick and what things keep us in rhythm. When we can identify these values, we are able to live authentically and in balance with the best version of ourselves. We are able to live more in the moment and feel connected to who we are.

These things are just the beginning steps of rediscovering your rhythm and finding how you can live the most authentically. As you continue to do more identity work, you will find yourself feeling more empowered, confident, content and at peace in your life. These first steps can kick start you into understanding more about yourself and things you may struggle with. I have seen people replace anxiety with fun, depression with peace and frustration with love. 

If you feel like you are feeling lost or a little out of rhythm, this is a great place to start! To continue this work, and find deep, lasting change, schedule an appointment with one of our amazing therapists at Hope Therapy to feel like you can make the changes to live fully.